


Dirt, Blood & Sweat

by Silvertabby



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe, Blood and Violence, Eventual Levi/Eren Yeager, Fanart, Killing, M/M, Major Character Injury, Military, Recovery
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-01
Updated: 2019-10-20
Packaged: 2019-12-30 15:52:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18318446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silvertabby/pseuds/Silvertabby
Summary: Levi is a captain in the military, he doesn't particularly like this dirty occupation he has found himself in. But somehow, he knows that this is the type of place he needs to be. That is, until in a flash of bright light and a loud bang, it all ends.Levi is a deeply broken soul, who has never known and doesn't understand many of the most important things in life: love, friendship, happiness. All Levi's life has ever been about is survival. Growing up in a violent and abusive world, he has never known life, or other people, to be good or kind to him.When he finds himself injured and vulnerable, he is forced to accept the help of others, much against his will. Will Eren as his physical therapist be able to get through to Levi?





	1. Kid soldiers

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first Fanfic that i am actually posting anywhere. So be nice to me please :)  
> I know the first chapter is really short. I do have more written on this (like 10x more) but it is somewhat scattered and needs some work before being good enough to put up. I could use some incentive to work on it though, so basically that's why i'm posting it. 
> 
> Warning: this is not a feel good story, and it won't turn into one as things look right now. Levi is a really damaged person in this fic and he has a lot of rather dark thoughts/views about pretty much everything.  
> It will be progressively darker as Levi's past is revealed, and more warnings will be added later.

Dirt, blood and sweat.

Everywhere, everything was covered in dirt, blood or sweat.

That was how life was here. It was the disgusting world Levi had _chosen_ to live in. Why he had chosen such a disgusting occupation sometimes escaped him.

He hated it. He hated how dirty everything and everyone was. He hated how dirty he’d get himself. Sometimes he felt the need to scrub his body clean for hours to feel even slightly clean. He’d never _really_ get clean though, he knew that, he’d always known that, and that was why he didn’t leave. This was the kind of life he was meant for: A life littered with dirt, blood and sweat. However much he graved cleanliness, it wasn’t for him. However much he cleaned or washed, it was never enough. It didn’t remove the fact of the matter – that _he_ was what was unclean. He tried to deny it at times, pushed the thought to some distant, dark place in his mind, and convinced himself that everyone else were the problem – that _they_ were the unclean ones. Projecting it all onto them was easy. So he’d sneer at people for being smelly and dirty. He’d kick whatever pathetic recruit was cleaning the barracks for doing a piss poor job. He’d wrinkle his nose at their surroundings and pretend he hadn’t put himself there voluntarily.

However much he told himself that he hated the place, he wasn’t sure he could live without it. He wasn’t sure there were any better place in the world for him. The truth was that he _needed_ to be here. He needed to live in a world like this – in a dirty, disgusting world. He had always lived in that type of place, and at least _here_ he had a purpose. Here he had some semblance of a life worth living. Some grander meaning in the world, which might actually have some sort of positive outcome. Here he could make sense of all the lives that where extinguished. Here he could take them without needing to feel anything, without anyone questioning why he’d killed them, without _himself_ having to question why he’d killed them.

A war was a war. People died in a war. He killed the enemy, because that was what soldiers were meant to do. It was simple. Easy. Straightforward. The blood spilled made sense, even as the sight disgusted him. Even as his hairs would stand on end when it’d spill over him. He didn’t have to feel sorry for the enemies that they killed. People even cheered him on for it. Admired his skills as a killer. Because really, that was what he was, wasn’t it? A highly skilled killer. But as long as he did it for his country, as long as he was employed by someone else telling him who to kill, it was okay to be a killer, wasn’t it? Like this, he never had to be ashamed of what he was. He could be proud, revel in another successful assassination of some foreign threat to their country.

 

The loud pang of his riffle rang in his ears as he watched the target, on the level below him, fall to the ground, eyes empty, blood gushing from the headshot. He felt nothing at the sight of the kid’s dead body, and he couldn’t be said to be anything but a kid. 14 or 15 years old maybe. It didn’t matter. An enemy was an enemy, and he couldn’t be bothered by the fact that they had kids do their dirty business. Everyone died eventually anyway.

His men gave the boy’s body a tentative glance as they went past it to clear the rest of the block out. The weapon he’d held in his hand, hidden under his limp body.

Levi knew many of the others had issues killing these kids, he knew they hesitated and wanted to be more than sure that they were a threat before even aiming at them. It was their weakness, and the main reason these kids were even on the streets. The enemy was smarter than they were. They knew that in war, there were no moral code. You exploited the enemy’s weakness, whatever it was. You killed them, however innocent they might look. You must never hesitate. You hesitate, you die. That was the only rule. The only rule he had ever learned. Kill or be killed. Make them suffer, before they make you suffer. His men didn’t understand this the way he did. They hadn’t learned it the hard way yet. Chance was many of them would die before learning it. Many already had. These kid soldiers didn’t hesitate. These kids with guns and grenades didn’t stop to worry about their enemy, they killed them in that moment of hesitation.

He had gotten many a hard stare or muttered disapproval from his fellow soldiers because he never shied away from killing said kids. He didn’t care about that either. He didn’t need them to like him. He didn’t need them to understand. In the end, chances were he’d outlive the ones who disapproved. He didn’t really want their approval either way.

He cared little about socializing with anyone. Being a captain, he couldn’t completely avoid being around people, he needed to know their names and skills and at least the major aspects of their personality in order to lead them somewhat effectively, but he always tried to figure these things out through blunt interrogations or silent observations from a distance.

He never tried to become friendly with anyone. He kept his own cards close and quickly chased away anyone trying to cozy up to him. It didn’t take much. His commander, Erwin, had told him that he had a discouraging aura about him. Whatever the hell that was supposed to mean. Erwin didn’t seem to be discouraged however. He was probably the only one who kept trying to get closer to Levi, for some unknown reason. Levi wasn’t sure how to feel about it. He didn’t want to be friends with the commander, and yet he couldn’t outright go against it if he wanted to keep his position. So he tried to be civil around him. Acted as friendly as he could possibly bear to be with someone as annoying as him, which wasn’t very friendly at all. Erwin never seemed to mind however, which even after almost 9 years under his command still surprised Levi.

All in all, however much Levi hated the dirt and the blood and the sweat, he supposed he was content with this life he led. Content with this distanced, friendless, but purposeful existence.

Until, in a flash of bright light and a loud bang, it all ended.

He hadn’t seen it coming. He hadn’t noticed the bomb strapped around that dead kids chest under his clothes, and as he fell along with the rubble of the floor on which he had stood, the only thought running through his head was that in the end, even _he_ had been fooled by the enemies kid soldiers.


	2. The serenity of Morphine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi's first few weeks in the hospital. Still no Eren, sorry, brief appearance by Hange in the end though.

Levi woke up again to the feeling of everything vibrating, the world feeling as if it was spinning around him. There was so much noise. The constant buzzing making him wonder through his haze, whether he had been placed inside a giant beehive.

When Levi finally managed to open his heavy eyelids, he realized he was merely in a chopper. The world wasn’t spinning, he wasn’t inside a beehive, he was just in an ordinary flying vehicle.

A medic was standing over him, bandaging him or something. It was hard to determine from this angle, and he was unable to move his head at all. Was there something holding it in this position?

The medic said something to him, a small smile on his lips, Levi supposed he was trying to comfort him. Not that he would have ever been able to hear it in this noise. The buzzing was so loud it was deafening. But then, he wasn’t sure he really needed comforting anyway, he wasn’t in any pain, everything just felt distant and foggy, he wasn’t even sure he could feel his body at all.

His eyelids started feeling like lead, and as they closed shut, the darkness took a hold once again.

Next he came to, he was lying on something stationary. The world wasn’t moving anymore. There was no more noise. He opened his eyes to stare up at a white ceiling above him.

The fogginess was gone and he felt completely lucid once again. He wasn’t sure if he wouldn’t rather have it back however, seeing as every single part of his body now hurt. Perhaps feeling nothing was better than this pain.

“Welcome back mr. Ackerman,” He heard someone say from his side and he cringed internally at the name.

“Levi,” he muttered through his dry lips.

“I’m sorry?” The voice sounded confused.

“Levi.” He repeated more firmly, though his voice sounded rough and broken.

He turned his head slightly toward the voice, revealing a female doctor who blinked at him, still looking confused until she glanced down at her papers and seemed to note that Levi was in fact his name.

“Oh. Well, welcome back Levi. I am doctor McCavill” She reformulated with a small smile. “It was a bit touch and go with you for a moment, but you seem to be out of critical condition for now.” She mused.

Levi glared at her. At least his face didn’t hurt much as his muscles contracted.

“How bad is it?” Levi asked. Making sure everything about his glare clearly stated that he wanted the blunt truth and nothing less. A look could say a lot, he had found. It was his most effective way of communication. Words having never been his thing at all.

“You seem to have landed hard on your right side and sustained a compound fracture to your arm, which caused you to lose quite a lot of blood. We have applied external fixation to your arm for now.” Levi glanced down at his arm for the first time, noting with a grimace the bars that held together screws and pins sticking out of his flesh. “We will need to operate on that and a rather severe proximal humeral fracture, in your shoulder, when you are a bit more stable.” The doctor continued, “You have a few bruised ribs and some third and second degree burns to your legs. Along with some shrapnel damage that has pierced your skin on several locations, thankfully avoiding any major internal damage. We have removed the larger pieces of shrapnel, and sewn any major cuts, but some minor pieces of shrapnel might still be present, and we will reassess whether we need to operate again to remove them at a later point. You may also suffer from a concussion.” She finished off. Levi grunted in annoyance or pain, or both perhaps. He couldn’t really tell which one outweighed the other.

He had been stupid.

Careless. 

Why hadn’t he noticed that the kid’s clothing looked big? Why hadn’t he predicted him to be strapped in with a bomb? How had he let himself be fooled by appearances?

“Is there anyone you would like for us to contact for you? You don’t have any emergency contact listed, and though we have been in communication with your commander, mr. Smith, he didn’t know of any next of kin to contact either.” The doctor inquired.

“No.” Levi answered shortly, she send him a worried frown.

“Are you sure there aren’t someone who you’d like to be here? It can be quite helpful for your recovery to have someone here to support you.”

It was probably a standard procedure to want to contact someone, he supposed. I seemed odd to him though. Why would he want anyone here? He didn’t need for anyone to see him this weak. People always preyed on weakness. Having a need to show yours to someone seemed self-destructive. They could use that against you if you let them.

“There’s no one.” Levi looked away at the sad look the doctor gave him with annoyance. He didn’t need her pity, and pity it clearly was. Yet there was nothing to pity him about. He didn’t need anyone, and he certainly wasn’t going to let anyone he knew see him this immobile. He was fine on his own. He would get through this on his own as well. Just like he had everything else.

There was a long stretch of silence before the doctor finally got over her misplaced pity.

“I am hoping we’ll be able to operate on your proximal humeral fracture tomorrow, the compound fracture will need more time before we will be able to operate as there is extensive soft tissue damage.”

“Whatever.” Levi muttered, everything about the prospect of having them open up his body, digging their hands and instruments into the insides of him, made him feel sick.

He was glad he hadn’t been conscious for them to tell him the first time they did so. He would have much rather not known about it this time as well. He already felt like his skin was crawling from the very thought. His mind going places he didn’t particularly like.

“Can’t you give me some morphine or something until then?” He asked the doctor, wanting nothing more than to slip back into the painkiller dace and forget about the rest of it. If only for a while. The doctor gave him a tight frown, but applied more morphine to his drop nevertheless.

“You should rest now, I will inform your commander of your status.”

“Don’t bother.” Levi muttered. He didn’t care for Erwin to know how he was. Why would Erwin even care? Levi was just another immobile soldier. He wouldn’t have any use for him as he was. The doctor shot him another worried look before leaving his room without further comment.

He sighed in relief when the morphine started to work.

He had never been one for drugs. He had always shied away from the dirtiness of non-sterilized needles polluting his bloodstream, or the idea of ingesting a substance on which filthy back-alley drug-dealers had laid their disgusting hands. This feeling however… The way it released the tension and pain in his body, the way it made his mind forget some of the darkness. If other drugs had similar effects, he could suddenly understand their allure. He could suddenly understand why people would wither away to this blessed feeling. How they could possibly forget that, as it took away their pain and despair, it was also slowly killing them.

 

The next two weeks were a blur of procedures, scans and operations. Skin grafts for the worst burns on his legs, fixing the bones in his shoulder and arm with screws and metal plates, and another procedure to remove a piece of shrapnel that had wandered dangerously close to his organs.

Levi let the doctors and nurses handle him as they saw necessary through this. Gritting his teeth through every touch and every check. Keeping his mouth shut tightly to keep himself from chasing them away. Digging the nails of his healthy left hand into his palm until he drew blood, to keep the hand from lashing out and forcefully removing them.

He found some small solace in the knowledge that they, at least, were clean. That they always disinfected their hands before touching him, that the clothes they wore and the instruments they used were sterilized frequently.

Erwin had somehow managed to ensure Levi a private room at the hospital and made sure they’d keep him there until he was fit for rehabilitation, all of which he was quite sure wasn’t covered by his insurance. He wasn’t sure why Erwin had done this. There was no logical reasoning for it. Levi would have probably survived just the same in a shared room and at the prospect of being sent home around this time already.

Perhaps Erwin was protecting an asset. Did Erwin even see him as such? An asset in the war? He knew he was good. He knew he had one of the highest success rates on missions. Probably the highest kill count as well. Erwin must want him to get back at that, he rationalized. Finding himself, if only a little, thankful for the favors.

He would have hated sharing a room.

He’d quickly managed to alienate people enough at the barracks to afford himself a private quarter. Sleeping in a dorm had kept Levi too alert to sleep at all. He was quite sure he hadn’t slept more than an hour in total the first week he’d had to do so.

It would have been the same here. One was never weaker or more exposed than when asleep, which was why it was paramount that no one be around to take advantage of the weakness.

Like this, alone in the room, only ever breached by doctors and nurses during the day, and none at all during the night, he slept more than he had in years. He blamed the painkillers for most of it. They made him drowsy and it was easy to fall into a false sense of safety when they blurred his thoughts.

He found it strange that he felt more at peace in this hospital when he was left alone, than he had anywhere else. Even in his weak and pathetic state, the environment eased some need inside of him. The need to be clean, he supposed. Everything about the hospital room screamed cleanliness. He couldn’t even find a need to criticize the cleaners who came by at least every second day. Somehow, being devoid of the usual dirt and blood and sweat had his mind humming in approval.

It wasn’t enough though. He knew it wouldn’t last. He knew it only felt this peaceful because his mind wasn’t entirely clear. Eventually he’d have to go back to it – to all the dirt of his life. He’d _need_ to go back.

 

Levi had somehow, during his almost three weeks stay in this bright hospital room, managed to deny talking more than a scarce few words with Erwin, even as he called almost every day. Levi didn’t know why he bothered. Levi had no need to speak with him at all, which he let him know by hanging up whenever the conversation trailed away from vital information, which there really hadn’t been much of.

Knowing the kind of man Erwin was, Levi should have known that this would backfire. In this case in the form of a bushy haired bespectacled woman who came bouncing into his room in the middle of his quite stale and unexciting breakfast one morning.

“Levi!” The woman exclaimed as she lay eyes on him, and he lifted a brow in questioning, he was quite positive he did not know this woman. He had made it a habit to store every face of everyone he had contact with to memory, often even people he didn’t, but who was just anywhere near his periphery. Sometimes it was vital to know if a person kept appearing. Sometimes it could save one’s life to know if someone lingered more than they should have. This woman’s face however, he had no recollection of. “It is so nice to meet you, my name is Hange, Hange Zoe,” She reached out her hand, which he just stared at, unwilling to shake it. He never shook people’s hands. He found the form of greeting odd and disgusting.

“So?” He asked incredulously. That name meant nothing to him either.

“I am your appointed psychologist. Erwin assigned me to you.” She smiled widely at him, as he sent her a glare.

“I don’t need a shrink.”

“Everyone needs a shrink after almost being blown up.” She grinned, as she pulled up a chair.

“I don’t. Get lost.” Levi said. He hated shrinks. He hated the idea of letting anyone in, much less someone who’d pry and dig in his emotions and memories until they found an issue they could latch onto.

“Now, now, play nice. You will need a psych eval eventually anyway, and we might as well work slowly towards that, don’t you think?” She smiled at him again in a frustratingly honest way. He just glared at her, annoyed that he didn’t have the power to leave or the authority to throw her out. “So Erwin tells me you’ve been hanging up on his calls, why might that be?” Levi lifted a brow, so clearly that was what had triggered her appearance.  

“I don’t want to talk to him; I thought that’d be obvious.” He deadpanned.

“Why not?”

“Why would I?” Levi shot back. 

“Because Erwin is your commanding officer, and has taken a personal interest in getting you the best care and treatment. Aren’t you at least grateful?”

“I’d rather have not gotten blown up.” Levi said, trying to avoid answering. She’d probably find his answer to be the wrong one anyway. He’d been through the psych eval before after all, so he knew how they thought. He’d gotten through that first one by saying the exact opposite of what he thought on around 80 percent of the questions. He knew the answer she wanted was a _yes, of course,_ but he wasn’t in a mood to play this game. The doctors had cut down on the morphine and his arm was hurting worse than ever, making him almost black out from pain at times where he accidentally moved it or bumped it into something.

“Of course, but that doesn’t really negate being thankful does it?”

“I suppose not.” Levi said.

“Hm.” She nodded a bit to herself. “So, on to the obligatory shrink question: how are you feeling?”

“How do you think?” Levi gave her a deadpan look.

“I don’t know, that’s why I asked.” She smiled at him again, which only annoyed him even more.

“I feel hungry.” Levi lied, eyeing his half eaten breakfast in a telling way. Hoping she’d go away to let him eat it, even if he cared little for the food.

“Oh. I’m so sorry, I just came in here and interrupted your breakfast, didn’t it?” She said, as if she hadn’t noticed at all. “Do continue eating, please.” She gestured for him to eat. He lifted a brow at her.

“You gonna watch?” He asked. He’d much rather she’d take the hint and leave.

“I thought maybe I could tell you a bit about myself while you eat.” She said with a wide smile. “Then we can get to know each other a little. Won’t that be nice?”

“Not really.” Levi muttered, which she either didn’t hear, or chose to ignore as she started blabbering happily about her life.

Levi filtered out most of what she said as noise as she went through her life story of how she had always wanted to be a psychologist to help people get over traumas. Where she’d studied and where she now had her own practice. Though he didn’t listen much to what she was saying about developments and research within the field and how she’d dive into them head first, he couldn’t help note the excitement in her voice as she spoke about her job and life. She seemed so sincerely happy with what she was doing.

He wondered how that felt. He wondered what it would be like to feel excited about waking up every morning. What it felt like to be happy with one’s life. He’d wondered about this before. He’d heard other people relay tales of their lives and laugh and smile all the way through them, and still he’d never been able to understand. He’d never really been able to comprehend how to get there.

He could pretend, and he could smile when he knew people expected it of him. When he knew, he had to do so to get to where he needed, to get _what_ he needed. But for others it looked different, it looked like they didn’t think about doing so, as if it just happened naturally. As she went on smiling and telling him of things she loved to do, hobbies she enjoyed, he wondered, not for the first time, why he was so different from people like her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It'll probably be a couple of weeks before i can add any more, i promise that Eren will be in the next chapter though.


	3. Touch unwanted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi gets a visit from his physiotherapist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So i felt a bit guilty about not posting anything, when i said over a month ago that i would. So even though i intended this chapter to be quite a bit longer, i figured i'd just post what i already have done.

Levi looked up at the knock on the doorway to his room, and lifted a brow at the young man peeking in from the hallway.

He wondered if this was yet another person Erwin had sent his way.

He’d gotten rid of the shrink without saying much of anything. She’d been so wrapped up in talking about herself that time had simple run out on her before she finally realized it. She’d excused herself, quite unnecessarily, since Levi was happy to see the back of her, and she’d promised that she’d come by again soon. It’d almost been a week since then, so he figured _soon_ would probably come around in the next few days. 

He just hoped this new person lingering on the doorstep to his room wasn’t going to be someone like the shrink. Someone who wanted a piece of him he didn’t want to give.

“Mr. Ackerman?” The young man asked, looking him over with his big green eyes as he took a step into the room. He looked more like a kid than a man with those big questioning eyes, the hesitation clear in his steps.

“Don’t ever call me that.” Levi stated coldly, annoyed. Ackerman wasn’t him. He hated that name, hated what it connected him to, hated that it was part of his identity. He’d rather forget the name, get rid of it for good along with all the connections to people who bore that same name. People he wanted to forget more so than the name.

The guy blinked at him, confused. Why did people always find it so strange that he disliked being called by his surname? Did everyone else feel so tightly connected to their family name? Did no one else feel the need to strip it away?

“But… Aren’t you Levi Ackerman?” The guy asked, casting a glance toward the chart on his bed.

“Levi! Just fucking Levi.” Levi stated with a glare. It was getting tedious always explaining this to people.

“Oh,” The young man seemed to finally understand, “I, ehm, my name’s Eren, Eren Jaeger, and I’m going to be your physiotherapist for the remainder of your recovery.” He said.

Levi had been expecting someone like that to turn up eventually. He supposed he should be grateful to finally start rehabilitating his right arm. After having it in a sling for four weeks, only doing small exercises of his wrist and hand that the doctor had shown him, it had more or less become nothing more than a useless piece of meat, all muscle mass completely depleted by now. Half the time, he thought it might as well just not be there at all.

How was he supposed to shoot or fight or defend himself again with this useless shit? He needed it to be useful again, he needed to regain it’s functionality. Yet he didn’t feel excited or even happy when he realized who the man was. Instead he felt a knot form in his stomach, as he thought that the term physiotherapist seemed very likely to involve physical contact.

Eren seemed to be waiting for some sort of response, as he fidgeted with the end of his long sleeved shirt. Levi didn’t care, there was something pleasing about watching the younger man be so unsure, and he was in no need to rush this anyway. After a good while of silence, Eren finally spoke up again.

“Okay, so, I read your journal, and I understand you had some pretty bad fractures to your right arm and shoulder area, it seems to indicate there is quite a bit of nerve and ligament damage as well?” It seemed like a question, but Levi just kept looking at the boy with a blank stare. “How is your feeling in your arm?”

“How would I know? I don’t fucking use it.” Levi said in an impassive voice. Eren blinked at him twice with big eyes.

“Mind if I examine it?” Eren said and reached out to take hold of his arm.

“Don’t fucking touch me!” Levi hissed at him with a cold glare and the kid backed away in shock. He looked like a doe caught in the headlights as he stared at Levi with his mouth slightly open.

“But… but I will need to touch you in order for us to properly rehabilitate your arm?” Eren said in a low, unsure voice.

Levi kept glaring at the kid. He’d accepted that the nurses and doctors touched him, because he supposed he really didn’t have a choice if he wanted to heal at all. He didn’t want this kid, this doe-eyed little brat, to touch him as well, he already felt like his skin was crawling from all the unwanted contact.

“Can’t you just tell me what to do?”

The kid looked like he thought hard about it, maybe he didn’t really want to touch Levi either anymore, he’d probably scared him. Which was all very well as it should be.

“N-no. No I don’t think I can do that with your kind of injury.” He finally said with a slight frown. Levi glared at the brat until he looked away.

“At least disinfect your hands then.” Levi breathed out in defeat, slamming his head back against the headboard.

He did want to be able to use his arm again after all.

The stupid brat looked back at him with a triumphant smile, which seemed out of place, before he went to the disinfectant dispenser by the sink and rubbed his hands thoroughly in the gel.

His hands were cold as he reached out and took Levi’s arm in his hands and removed it from the sling. Levi stiffened at the touch.

He hated this.

He hated everything about this.

He hated the way other people’s skin felt on his own.

He hated the memories that flashed by behind his eyes at the contact.

He hated the way he would sink in on himself at the expectation of more of those memories being created.

He hated how powerless it made him feel.

The kid shot him a short glance before focusing on the arm, thankfully unaware of the thoughts running through Levi’s head.

“Can you feel this?” He asked repeatedly as he moved up and down his arm and shoulder, while pressing on it, careful of avoiding any areas around the actual scars that were slowly knitting themselves together into thick pink lines.

Levi nodded through most of it, as he wasn’t really sure he could say anything that wouldn’t be ‘ _get off me’,_ if he tried. Quite a few points along his arm felt off though, numb or tinkling in an odd way now that the arm was moved and touched. At these places he didn’t nod, the kid seemed to catch the meaning.

Eren wrote some scribbles down on a notepad before starting to move his arm around very gently.

“Tell me when it starts to hurt.” He said and Levi was frustrated to realize that it didn’t take a whole lot before it did. He didn’t say anything though, just gritted his teeth as he watched the younger man move his arm around.

It was harrowing how his hands were just gently placed on his skin, how they brought with them so much pain without even bruising him.

The gentle touches were always the worst kind.

They always brought with them more pain, more _fear_ , than the harsh ones from a fight.

Fights he could stand, they made sense, he could hurt them back. He could take control. The sharp sting of a fist, a boot or even a knife, something he’d prefer to this any day.

Eren looked up at him.

“You’re supposed to say when it hurts!” He exclaimed as he noticed the look of pain on his face, it was too severe to hide, even with Levi’s skills.

“Okay, it fucking hurts. Happy?” Levi bit at him and moved sideways harshly to tear himself free of Eren’s touch, without moving his arm too much as it was already throbbing with pain.

The kid frowned slightly at him, but then sighed and a look of something akin to worry took over, which just made Levi glare at him harder.

“Here, let me massage it for a bit.” Eren said, holding out his hands for Levi to move the arm back into.

“No fucking way.”  

“It’ll help, I promise.” Eren said with a small smile.

“I don’t care!” Levi stated coldly, he’d had more than enough touching for an entire month, or much longer, really. “Now fuck off!”

The brat frowned again.

“What is your problem?” He asked, finally getting a little frustrated.

“You. You are my problem, so just leave already.” Levi said impassively, not caring if his words were brash or would hurt Eren. he didn’t want this brat’s help, he didn’t need it. He’d get it done himself. He’d figure it out. No way did he want the stupid kid to keep touching him like that.

“I am trying to help you!” Eren hissed back, a spark flared in those green eyes, and Levi figured this kid was a temperamental one, someone who’d fight if they had to. It was all in that defiant gaze, in the stance he took. Levi had fought enough people to know.

“I don’t need your help.” Levi stated.

“You know, I think you do! Or would you rather be an invalid for the rest of your life?” Eren challenged, folding his arms across his chest. That struck a cord and Levi sent him a deadly glare that seemed to scare the kid just a little, as he took an unconscious step backwards.

“Take a hint kid, and get out.” He said in a deadly calm and cold voice. The kid threw his arms up in exasperation.

“Fine! I’ll leave! Good luck getting your arm back to full function alone. Let me give you a hint; it won’t happen.” He then turned on his heel, walking out of the room as he muttered “and I’m not a kid!”


	4. Is tenacity considered a virtue?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Should Eren continue working with Levi when he is so unwilling to receive his help?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo sorry for the long wait! I moved to the other end of the country to study, so everything has been a bit chaotic ;P hence no time to write  
> I am still not satisfied with the chapter, but here you have it anyway :P

Eren kicked the wall in the hallway with enough force to feel the impact vibrate up his thigh, throwing him slightly of balance and leaving a smeared black footprint on the white wallpaper. 

What a fucking douchebag. 

He took out his phone and found the number to Erwin Smith, who’d hired him for the job.   
He hated having to call and give it up. Having just finished his studies and a subsequent internship, any job opportunity was God given, as they were hard to come by when you had little experience. Clients didn’t exactly line up to get physio therapy from a newbie in the field. Like with everything else, people preferred people with a good decade in the field, even if the newbie, like Eren, had gotten excellent grades and recommendations. He supposed he’d only really gotten this job because his family’s longtime friend, Hannes, had recommended him to Erwin, whom he apparently knew from the military. Erwin had even offered a rather large sum of money for Eren to take on the job too. There was no way it would work out however, if Levi’s reaction was anything to go by. 

He dialed the phone with a heavy sigh. He supposed he had to ask Mikasa to cover his part of the rent yet again. 

“Erwin Smith speaking,” 

“Hi, it’s Eren, Eren Jaeger.” Eren said in a deflated tone. 

“Oh hi Eren, how did it go with Levi?” 

“It didn’t.” Eren kicked the wall again, a little less aggressively this time, leaving another black smear further down from the last. 

“Ah. I see. Did he kick you out?” Erwin didn’t sound overly surprised. 

“Yeah. Words got a little heated too.” Eren said, and to his surprise, Erwin started chuckling lightly. 

“I suppose I should have warned you. Levi isn’t really a people person.” 

“You don’t say. He wouldn’t even let me touch him at first.” 

“Only at first?” 

“Yeah well, I got permission to examine the arm, not that he was very cooperative, but he completely freaked when I offered to massage it.” Eren said. Erwin chuckled lightly again. 

“Well, was it necessary?” Erwin asked. Eren frowned. 

“No, but it was obvious that he was in a lot of pain and it would have helped with that.” 

“Maybe next time just back off, if he says no.” 

“Next time?” Eren repeated on a questioning note, “I don’t think he wants there to be a next time.” 

“Mm. I have learned that tenacity seems to work well with Levi. I can pay you more if you just keep at it. I don’t think anyone else will have better luck than you, and hey, at least you got to examine the arm.” He could almost hear the shrug over the line. Eren sighed. 

“What if he just kicks me out again?” 

“Well then just leave and show up for the next time. Eventually, he’ll probably want to do something about that arm.”

“I suppose I can do that.” Eren said with a slight frown, he was going to hate this job, but he sure wouldn’t mind the pay. He was getting tired of being reliant on his sister’s income. It was humiliating really, he was supposed to be the man in their house, or apartment as it was. But the one client he had other than Levi hardly paid enough to keep himself fed, much less pay any bills. 

“By the way, they might send him home from the hospital sometime this week, I don’t really know when. I’ll text you the address he’ll be at, if they do release him.” 

“Fine. I’ll try my best with him, but no promises.” Eren said on a sigh. 

“That’s fine, thanks Eren.” 

***

Levi reluctantly picked up the phone by his bed, it’d been ringing non-stop for ten minutes, so he supposed there was no avoiding speaking to Erwin. 

“What?” He groaned into the phone. 

“Hello to you too Levi.” Erwin said cheerily. 

“What do you want?” 

“I just wanted to tell you that you’ll be staying at my apartment once they release you from the hospital, I sent them the key, so they’ll hand it to you before you go.” 

“Why would I stay at your apartment? I have an apartment.” 

“Yeah, I’m quite aware. I am also aware of where it is situated, and you really shouldn’t be staying in that neighborhood while recovering. Besides, the physio therapist is doing house calls and it really wouldn’t be fair to demand him to go to that part of town, now would it?” 

“I don’t want him to come at all, so that won’t be a problem.” Levi said in a deadpanned tone. What was with this? He didn’t want Erwin to lend him his apartment. He didn’t need it. He had his own place, and he honestly couldn’t care less if the brat wouldn’t want to go there. 

Erwin sighed heavily on the other end. 

“Listen Levi, if you want to have any chance of returning here, you need to let him help you recover. It is already touch and go whether they’ll allow you to return with the injuries you sustained, so…” Erwin let the sentence die out. There was no need to finish it. The message was crystal clear. 

Levi felt his body freeze up, everything suddenly felt colder than usual. He couldn’t be kicked out of the military. If he lost that, he had nothing. 

“Fine.” He gritted out. 

“Good! And talk to Hange about it Levi, she’s a good friend of mine and can be quite helpful in processing things, if you allow her to.” Erwin said in a lecturing tone. 

“Whatever.” No way was he going to blabber to some shrink about his life.   
He supposed he really needed to pass the psych eval though. Maybe he could keep up a good amount of lying to her, to make everyone happy. Just keep up the charades with her and that stupid brat, to pass whatever test this was and get back to the way things had been just over a month ago. Return to the life he now realized, he might have taken for granted. He would grit his teeth and endure the torture it would be to deal with them all, because he had to. It wasn’t really a choice anymore.   
   
***

Eren walked into the hospital room for his second visit with Levi a few days later. Stopping cold at the sight that met him. Levi was standing by the bedside pulling on a pair of loose pants over his tight black boxers, a little awkwardly with his un-injured hand. Making the otherwise quick action, appear to be almost in slow-motion.   
Eren quickly turned around, flushing at his intrusion while he loudly apologized repeatedly. 

“Are you leaving today?” Eren asked when he got no response to his apologies, still with his back to the man. 

“What does it look like?” Levi replied curtly from behind him, and Eren chanced a glance over his shoulder, happy to find the man fully dressed. He looked quite handsome out of bed and in normal clothing, a little on the short side, but not in a way that diminished his looks in the slightest. If you removed that permanent look of annoyance from his face, he had the facial traits of a cover model. 

Eren shook the quite inappropriate trail of thoughts out of his head, and turned around to face the man. 

“Do you mind if we take a look at your arm before you go?” Eren asked. 

“Yes, I mind.” Levi replied, sending him an apathetic look. Eren supposed he should have expected that. 

“Then maybe I could come with you to your place and we could do it there?” Eren tried instead. He supposed he needed to be, as Erwin had said, tenacious with this guy. Levi studied him for a second, then shrugged. 

“At least make yourself useful then and carry my shit.” Levi said nodding towards a duffel bag in camouflage on the floor. They had probably send him his belongings from the base, Eren figured. 

“Sure,” he said and picked the bag up, stumbling slightly at the weight of it, which afforded him a snort from Levi. Eren sent Levi’s back a glare in return. Wondering if he wanted to know what Levi had in the bag that made it weigh a ton. 

 

The taxi ride to the apartment was made in complete silence. Levi had placed himself in the front seat, and Eren found it weird to try for smalltalk from the back. They got out in silence too, Levi handing the driver some notes as Eren removed the bag from the trunk. 

The apartment building looked nice. A lot fancier and more expensive than Eren would have thought for someone like Levi. Not that he knew much about him really, but he didn’t take him for the upper-middle class type of guy, which this building screamed. The apartment had that same feel. Fancy furniture placed in a way that looked magazine friendly, and in rather light colors that didn’t seem to fit Levi’s gloominess. Maybe Eren had the guy all wrong. 

“Where do you want me to put this?” Eren asked, nodding to the bag. Levi looked at him and gave a small shrug. 

“Wherever.” He said and removed his shoes. “And take your shoes off.” He added as Eren sat down the bag on the floor. Eren nodded and did as told. 

“This is a nice place.” Eren said as he followed Levi further into what looked like the Livingroom. 

“I suppose.” Levi said, like he didn’t really care either way. He sat down on the couch and looked at Eren. “So. What is it you want me to do?” He asked, very unenthusiastically. 

“I didn’t get to go over all the measurements I needed last time, so I think maybe we should restart with assessing your pain level and range of movement?” Eren looked questioningly at Levi, he wasn’t going to make a move before getting an okay, this guy seemed far too reluctant to work with him as it was. 

“Fine.” Levi said in a bland tone. He didn’t really sound or look like he thought it was fine. But Eren supposed he wasn’t going to get any more enthusiasm from him, so he sat down on the couch beside Levi and reached out his hands to remove Levi’s arm from the sling once more. 

He felt how the man froze under his hands as he moved the arm. It probably still hurt a lot. He’d had some really bad fractures after all. It was actually a wonder they’d been able to mend together the bones at all. 

Eren had seen the x-rays from before they operated on him, and the arm and shoulder area had had multiple jagged fractures. A broken piece of bone in Levi’s upper arm had even cut through ligaments, nerves and skin and according to Levi’s file, the loss of blood from this, on top of his other injuries, had almost killed him before he even got in the medevac helicopter. 

Eren had had classes revolving around injured soldiers, and from the cases they’d gone through, most people with as severe damages to a limb as Levi’s, would have had that limb amputated. Especially if they were in danger of bleeding out due to that limb. 

“This time, I’ll need you to be honest with me and tell me how much it hurts.” Eren said as he looked at Levi, who stared at him through narrow eyes. 

“Scaling the pain won’t work.” Levi stated blandly. Eren frowned slightly at him. 

“What do you mean?” 

“You and I have different ideas about what is considered painful. So it wouldn’t help you.” Levi said in a matter-of-fact way. 

Eren blinked. He supposed that was true. Everyone had different pain tolerances. 

“Okay, so let’s say that the pain you feel when you have the arm in the sling and stationary is 0 on our scale right now. I know it probably still hurts, but just for reference, and you can then tell me how much more it hurts as I move your arm, up to a 5; which is an intolerable, I am going to faint, kind of pain.” Eren suggested. He only got a grunt from Levi, but he supposed it was an acceptance, and moved the arm slightly. When Levi didn’t supply a level by himself Eren tried prompting, “how much pain?”

“1.” Levi said through gritted teeth, which made it seem and sound like he should have rated it a lot higher. Eren frowned, but moved the arm a little further, he needed to measure the mobility as well as his pain level, and if he didn’t say 4 or 5 he was going to keep going. 

“And here?” Eren asked as he reached a point where the arm tensed even further in his hands. 

“3.” Levi said, still in the same tense voice. 

“Can you move the arm further from here?” Eren asked, Levi shook his head slightly. They continued like that, Eren assessing the mobility and pain level for a good 10 minutes. Levi never going above 3 in his stated pain, and most of the time he’d stay at 1 or 2, even as he kept on tensing more and more in his hands. By the end, Eren was frowning at him in bewilderment. Why couldn’t he just fess up to how much he obviously thought it hurt? Was this some sort of macho pride? Shame of being in pain? Whatever it was, it was stupid. Dishonesty would just make the rehabilitation take longer. 

He sighed and studied the arm in his hands. 

“Does any of the scars hurt?” Eren asked, and ran a finger softly along the jagged pink scar running down the length of Levi’s arm, knowing that he had another scar that was just as severe on his shoulder that was hidden by his t-shirt. Levi shivered at the touch. 

“Are you done?” Levi asked instead of replying. 

“I am done assessing the pain level and mobility, but…” Eren didn’t get to finish, before Levi retracted his arm from his hands. 

“The scars don’t hurt.” Levi said blandly, as he clutched the arm to his chest. 

“Are you sure?” Eren said and narrowed his eyes at him. He wasn’t convinced. Levi already seemed to be lying about his pain after all. 

“If it did, what would you do about it?” Levi asked. So it did hurt, Eren concluded. 

“I would like to perform some scar tissue massage…”

“No.” Levi said firmly. Eren frowned. Really? Did they have to go through this one more time? 

“Why not?” 

“I don’t want you to.” Levi stated. 

“But if your scar tissue isn’t remodeled properly it can end up restricting the mobility of your arm.” Eren said on a sigh. Seriously, what was this guy’s problem?  
“I’ll do it myself or it won’t happen.” Levi stated in an indifferent tone. At least he hadn’t cursed at him or sent him away yet. Eren supposed he should take that as a win. It didn’t much feel like one though, and he really didn’t get the problem at all. 

“I could show you how you can do some of it yourself. But you won’t be able to do it as well as I would.” 

“Show me then.” Levi said. Eren sighed, again. Was this guy even aware how much more difficult he was making his own recovery? Did he not want to get better? 

“Give me your arm.” Eren said and held out a hand. 

“Show me on yours.” Levi said. Eren frowned, but did so anyway, going slowly through how to perform cross friction massage to it. Which luckily could be done one-handed. He would have liked to do it himself, that and be able to perform some myofascial massage to the scars as well, which there was no way Levi could do on his own. But he was quite sure he wasn’t going to win that fight today. 

He wasn’t giving up completely yet though. 

Tenacity - he kept repeating the word to himself as if it was a mantra. Erwin seemed to have known Levi for a while, and if he thought tenacity would work, well then Eren was going to be the most tenacious person alive for the next few months. He’d probably have to be, with the pace things were progressing at so far. He sighed internally at the tediousness of this job. Eren had never really been a patient person, if he was honest with himself. But stubborn. Stubborn he was, and his stubbornness would keep him from giving up on it. 

He hoped. 

***

Levi stared at Eren as he introduced some very simple exercises that he wanted him to do every day. It felt like a joke. The exercises were like something you’d show a toddler who had no control over its limbs yet. Something you’d ask someone who had no idea how to move to perform. It looked way too simple. It looked infantile. It did not look like something that should be hard to replicate. It did not look like something he’d have any trouble doing. It did not look like something that should hurt. 

Yet when Eren kept insisting that he try them out to show him, he realized that it was hard to replicate. His broken and weakened arm did have trouble performing even the simplest of the movements, and more than anything, it hurt. 

“Does it hurt?” Eren asked. Levi send him a deadpanned look – which he realized might not look very different to the look he’d given him prior.

“No, this is my happy face.” Levi stated. Even as the comment was sarcastic, it wasn’t necessarily a lie. He wasn’t really sure he had a happy face that looked any different from the one he sported right now. He really had no way of knowing how his happy face would look like. 

“You can start with only doing a few a day then, and don’t overdo it. If it hurts too much, then just stop. We want to push the limit slowly, not try to break it. If you push your arm too hard it will only do more damage in the long run.” Eren continued, clearly taking Levi’s comment as nothing more than a yes.


	5. Broken Reflection

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is rather short, and probably not all that interesting :P sorry. To make up for it i added a little drawing of Levi inspired by the chapter at the end - which is also not the best thing ever XD but hopefully it'll still make it a little more worthwhile :)

Levi had desperately wanted Eren to leave, right up until the minute he did.

Being left alone in this apartment that wasn’t his, away from the sterile environment of the hospital that he had at least found some peace in, felt uncomfortable.

It wasn’t the apartment in itself, it wasn’t even being alone, Levi preferred being alone. It was being forced to realize that things would be very different than they had, at least for a while.

Hopefully only for a while.

Levi had always done whatever he’d had to, to survive. He’d lied, pretended, stolen, threatened, fought, beaten people, killed people. Yet he had no idea what he was supposed to do now. There was no pretending that he could use his right arm, was there? There was no lying his way back into the military if his arm didn’t start working. The rest would scarcely help him get by in this part of the world. He didn’t belong here. None of his skills were usable here.

He wouldn’t be able to get by without the military. He wouldn’t be fit to any other kind of occupation here. There was only so much you could pretend or lie your way through, and all the jobs here required a lot of social interaction, which he could never get comfortable with, having an education, which he didn’t, or being able to use both of his arms, which was clearly be biggest problem of all.

He dragged his duffel bag to the couch and sat down while unzipping it. He knew how this was going to go before he even tried it, but he had to try anyway. Just to confirm that it was really as bad as he thought.

He took out the case for his preferred handgun, clicking it open. He picked the gun up with his left hand and placed it tentatively in his right, his fingers bend as they should around the handle, but as soon as he released it from his left, it fell from his hand, landing softly on his thighs. He tried again, not grasping why he couldn’t hold onto it. It was like his fingers were jelly, unable to hold onto anything with even the slightest weight to it. Their joint-less feel making the gun slip through them every time. He cursed under his breath, before he put the gun back in its casing.

So this was it.

He was going to be stuck here, for who knew how long. Unable to really do anything about the situation, unable to think of something he could do to regain control of his life. It looked more and more like he was left to letting others decide his fate once again.

He didn’t like being dependent. But what else could he call it? He was going to be utterly dependent on that stupid brat Eren to make his arm work again, and after that, he was dependent on that crazy shrink and Erwin to get him back into his rightful place in the military. To get him back to a place he belonged. To get him away from this place where he didn’t know what to do with himself.

He had never felt comfortable being here really, in this nice part of the city. When he’d been sent on forced leave from the military once a year, it had been the same. At least then, he’d been able to go to his own place. Somewhere that felt a little more like the place he belonged to. Someplace that felt more like what he deserved.

He sighed and looked around, feeling the familiar itch to clean everything, to sterilize his surroundings to make himself feel better. Then he looked down at his useless right arm and already felt defeated in the task. He bit his teeth together tightly and unable to quench the urge, got up to search through Erwin’s cabinets for cleaning supplies anyway.

 

It took him 10 hours straight to clean the two bedroom apartment.

He hadn’t taken breaks, not even when his left arm started aching from doing all the work. He steadfastly continued through it, ignoring the pain, pushing it to the back of his mind to focus on the objective. He was angry with himself for being so weak, and frustrated that such simple tasks as scrubbing and sweeping were proving a challenge to him. He only stopped when his left arm was going numb and his right had started throbbing with pain, ridiculous as it was, since he hadn’t been able to use it for anything at all.

To finish off the cleaning frenzy, he turned the shower on, keeping it almost scolding, needing to clean himself just as much as he had needed to clean the apartment. He undressed awkwardly, both his arms rendered useless in the task, and he gave up on folding the dirty clothes, as he usually would have. The temperature from the water had the room quickly filling with steam, making it impossible to see more than 20cm ahead, forcing Levi to feel his way into the shower.

He winced as the hot water first hit his naked body. It was too hot for comfort, but the warmer the water was, the cleaner Levi felt, so he didn’t change the temperature, even as his skin reddened from the excessive heat.

He used way too much of the soap Erwin had in the bathroom, and scrubbed way too hard with the bath brush that he’d thoroughly sterilized while cleaning, forcing his tired left arm to move to the limit of its ability. He only stopped when little drops of blood started pebbling down his body, coloring the water pink as it swirled around the drain.

Levi reluctantly turned off the water and stepped out, grabbing one of Erwin’s clean white towels, wrinkling his nose at himself as he discolored it with blood. Once his body was thoroughly dried off, he chucked the towel into the bin.

He opened the door to the bathroom, watching the steam swirl happily past him as it was released into the Livingroom. Levi stomped through the room to the bedroom, ignoring the fact that there were several large windows pointed toward other apartments, and he was completely naked.

Levi stopped to look at his naked body in the full view mirror in the bedroom, it was his first time actually seeing all the damage the explosion had done in its entirety, and the result was anything but pretty, his aggressive scrubbing and resulting scrapes had only added to the damage.

Scarring marred his skin in so many places. The skin on his lower legs looked horribly crumbled up from the burns, its pink color contrasting the whiteness of his thighs. His torso and upper legs had several small scars from shrapnel. His stomach a larger scar from where they had had to operate. His right shoulder and arm looked the worst however, the thick jagged scars made it look as if the arm had been severed and split open completely and then sewn back on as if he was Frankenstein’s monster.

The sight was revolting, yet Levi found some sick rightness in it. Now he looked just as scared and broken and utterly disgusting on the outside as he was on the inside. It was fitting. It was better not to be beautiful.

Levi lay down on top of the clean white sheets he’d just put on the bed. Staring up at the white ceiling above him. Even though he had just showered, he felt like a stain in the room. Dirtying the clean white cotton beneath him. He lay there for hours, not moving, not sleeping, just looking at the ceiling, feeling out-of-place. Focusing on the thumping pain more than coherent thoughts, ignoring the small voice in his head that told him he was supposed to take some of the painkillers he had been given. The pain was good, it was distracting, it wiped out some of the darkness threatening to take hold.

This was it. He though once again. This was how life would be now.

It wasn’t bad really, was it? It wasn’t that being here would be challenging or horrible. When he was alone, there was no danger, really. So why did he feel the need to seek out something worse? Why did he feel the need to go back to something familiar that would have him struggling and fighting to survive? Why did he feel so utterly lost here?

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, if there are any really glaring mistakes in it please let me know, as English isn't my first language. I don't mind constructive criticism either.


End file.
